Syfy Profiling: ‘Swamp Volcano,’ Starring Stacy’s Mom and Rembrandt Brown from ‘Sliders’

By , January 29th, 2012 | Movies, Syfy Profiling | 0 Comments

Broadcast Title: Swamp Volcano

Actual Alternative Title: Miami Magma

Shoulda Been Title: Steam Tsunami

From the Director of: Thor: Hammer of the Gods and Weather Wars

From the Writer of: Wrong Turn 4, Monster Ark, and Rock Monster (which is the only decent movie here)

Stars: Rachel HunterCleavant DerricksBrad DourifMelissa OrdwayGriff Furst

Reason for the Disaster: Oil company (led by Brad Dourif and Cleavant Derricks, who doesn’t look like he’s aged a day since Sliders stopped airing over a decade ago) greedily digs too deep, accidentally hits underground lava pocket off the coast of Miami.

The Only Person Who Can Save the Day: A geology professor-cum rogue vulcanologist (Rachel Hunter, who looks like she’s aged all the years Cleavant Derricks hasn’t) who doesn’t trust oil companies and thinks there’s a giant volcano hiding in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Hero Scientist’s Sidekicks: A dorky (but not really) sister (Melissa Ordway), a dorky (but not really) research assistant (Griff Furst) and an estranged husband who pops up and practically pops right back out.

Biggest Disaster: A wet bikini contest containing no contestants with any relation to any of the other characters in the movie is suddenly interrupted by a rolling tsunami of steam.

Best Kill: Father and daughter we’ve never seen before are playing tennis. Lava spout erupts mid-court,  daughter hits ball through lava, it catches fire, goes right through father’s chest like it’s the sphere from Phantasm 2, leaving behind a comically perfect circle. She then bicycles away (presumably toward the sweet release of the steam tsunami), never to be seen again.

Best Line: “You’re smart, Brandon, and you’re gonna die smart.”

Best Excuse for Stripping: To use shirt as a potholder to lift a bucket of liquid nitrogen and toss it into someone’s face.

How the Human That Caused it All Meets Their End: The sisters, upon de-arming Derricks after he surprises them at gun point, completely forget they’re the moral compass of the movie and shoot him in the chest at least six times, killing him in cold blood. Final line, “You bitches.”

Genius Way to Stop the Titular Catastrophe: Freeze the volcano’s underground cap with a liquid nitrogen bomb, then redirect its lava flow down a canal channel and back out to the ocean. Tommy Lee Jones is not amused.

Required Act of Redepmtive Heroism: Nerd research assistant that attempted to sell life-saving research has to go back into the blast zone in order to detonate the liquid nitrogen bomb.

How I’ll Probably Remember Swamp Volcano: One of two ways: 1) as that movie without a swamp but with a volcano that should have stuck with the title Miami Magma, 2) as proof that Cleavant Derricks is a real-life slider that doesn’t age.

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